Marielle shares a story about her first trip to the farm. It’s a fun little romp, and she’s got more more stories to come.
I am very lucky to win first prize – a free day pass for the Melon Farm. Second prize was a boring liner cruise around the Mediterranean.
Out of the taxi, crossed the muddy yard, lost both my Jimmy Choo’s in the gooey cow-pats. You’d think cows could be house trained just like a pussy.
At the entrance, a friendly greeting from Natalie, the lovely blonde hostess. She checked out my particulars (both of them) and issued my personal identity number – prefix 38D.
Took me into the office to meet lovely Tempy ( is that short for Temptress?). Looks most sophisticated in her low-cut outfit. Tempy did my health check using a very thick horse thermometer belonging to the local vet. Hope no one heard my shrill scream. Made a mental note of her advice not to sit down for a couple of hours.
I walk delicately around in bare feet. My toenails (French Red by Revlon) now camouflaged murky brown.
Struggling to follow the farm map, found myself alongside a large muddy pool. A tsunami erupted soaking me to the skin. In fact, emerging from the water was a beaming gorgeous lady named PinkyJuggs I returned her friendly wave as she plunged back followed by a flotilla of curvy swimmers.
An uniformed gentleman introduced himself as Capt Adams. Most efficient. Insisted on peeling away my saturated wet silk blouse and slipping off my tartan mini skirt. The ‘re going into the farm laundry no charge. Can never resist a free offer.
So glad I was wearing my new fluorescent red bikini panties. The cold air blew over my topless figure. Lola (her Irish eyes were smiling) was so sweet. She neatly fixed post-it sticky notes over each of my now rather perky nipples. Lola worries for the cows – they will nibble anything.
A big sheepdog came bounding over to me. Reared up on his hind legs and hugged me – hugged and hugged me. A handsome man (codename B-E-B with dragon tattoo) threw a bucket of icy water – can’t think why. Luckily most of it went over the dog who bounded away wagging his tail. Tried to ignore the goosebumps decorating my sensitive spots.
Mr RockHard, with a big grin, looks up from his wood whittling and points to a notice nailed on the old oak tree : “Pet Owners Beware – Escaped farm dog searching for bitch on heat”.
Boxes of vegetables were stacked ready for market. I was told carrots can make you see in the dark. Tried one large carrot at bedtime every night for a month but no success . After that I started to eat them.
The passing tractor driver shouted: “Don’t miss the hens and there’s a big cock for you to see”
I blushed hearing that rude invitation.
A helicopter with the distinctive Melon Farm logo was circling to land. The strong down-draft felt like a tornado – it ruined my latest blonde salon hair-style.
What a shame.
Until that moment, I had enjoyed every thrilling second of my day on the farm.